Holding On

I knew it would be hard to let mom go, but I had no idea how hard it would be to hold on. She is so miserable and all I want is for her to go Home, to be freed from the pain and suffering of the cancer that is literally eating her alive. It is so difficult to watch her labor and struggle to stay on top of the pain. Yesterday was such a great day and it's one that I will hold onto in the grief and paralysis that will find me way too soon. She was lucid and making funny faces for my camera, and she also recorded a message for my children when the time comes. Today is a different story. We called her hospice nurse and she gave us permission to up the morphine and anti-nausea medicine to bring mom's pain level down. She was in agony last night and it is debilitating for us too. We are fighting panic and incredible sorrow and my prayer has changed from, "Jesus, please make her comfortable" to "Jesus, please come and get her." Some moments it's hard to remember just 3 weeks ago, when she was feeling pretty good. Her terrible journey has been so quick and it's been hard to process when every day brings something new to deal with. I hope she doesn't have to hold on much longer.