Saturday, May 18, 2013

Holding On

I knew it would be hard to let mom go, but I had no idea how hard it would be to hold on. She is so miserable and all I want is for her to go Home, to be freed from the pain and suffering of the cancer that is literally eating her alive. It is so difficult to watch her labor and struggle to stay on top of the pain. Yesterday was such a great day and it's one that I will hold onto in the grief and paralysis that will find me way too soon. She was lucid and making funny faces for my camera, and she also recorded a message for my children when the time comes. Today is a different story. We called her hospice nurse and she gave us permission to up the morphine and anti-nausea medicine to bring mom's pain level down. She was in agony last night and it is debilitating for us too. We are fighting panic and incredible sorrow and my prayer has changed from, "Jesus, please make her comfortable" to "Jesus, please come and get her." Some moments it's hard to remember just 3 weeks ago, when she was feeling pretty good. Her terrible journey has been so quick and it's been hard to process when every day brings something new to deal with. I hope she doesn't have to hold on much longer.


  1. Oh, Summer. I am so sorry. I have very few memories from before my parents divorced, but I have a very clear memory of your Mom's BIG smile. I will be praying for her and for you all as you experience whatever it is the Lord has for you in the coming days, weeks, and months. I am praying that you will all cling to the cross and find peace and rest there.

    I am so, so sorry.

    In Christ the King,

  2. Summer,
    I am so sorry that you and your family (especially your mom) have to go through so much pain and suffering. I am praying for you all and want to support you in any way we can. Know that we love you and want to walk through this with you. Please let us know if we can do anything.

    Romans 15:13
    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

    Our hope is that she will soon be in no pain, with her Savior, and that she will live with Jesus forever. I pray that may give you some joy in your pain.


    1. Drew,
      Thank you for the kind words. And what a powerful verse! I'm so thankful for God's joy and peace and hope, even in the midst of great sadness. We rejoice in His glory as we continue on this difficult path. Thanks for your prayers and support.

  3. Oh summer, I am so sorry to read this. I just went through it with my grandpa. It's hard to see someone suffer & praying for God to take them home is also difficult. I'm praying for all of you. I know that God showed himself in ways to our family during that time that wouldn't make sense to other people & I pray the same for you. The verse Drew used is a great one.